I had a wonderful birthday / Mother's Day couple of days.  My birthday started with a sweet little 3 year old boy waking me up.  I spent the day with Mom, visiting Gwen and John at the pool, did a little shopping, then had a nice birthday dinner with John and family.

I didn't blow out my birthday candles, Joey did that for me before everyone finished singing. 

Friday night the "boys" stayed overnight.  Michael went with me to Joann's Fabric store and we bought special fabric to make special pillows for their Mama for Mother's Day.  One suggestion for others, don't put fabric paint on the bottom of a three year old boy's feet....not pretty.

Daniel and Michael did the sewing on Granny's sewing machine and did a fabulous job!!!  I thought that I would end up doing the sewing but the boys did so well with the machine that while they sewed, I cleaned up.  They were so proud of their finished products and their Mama really liked them.

I started on a quilt for my cousin, Susan.  She is one special lady and kiddingly said she wanted a quilt when she saw the one that I had made for Jenna.  It was no joke for me.  I have put a lot of thought into this quilt and have been working on it a lot over the past week.  I now have all the blocks done and have actually started quilting it together.  The fastest I have ever accomplished this.  It is really very pretty and may be the best one I have ever made.  My absences from this blog have usually meant that I was quilting...and those quilts have always been done fairly secretive as they were gifts for some family brides.  This one, Susan knows I am doing....but she has no idea how spectacular it actually looks and won't until it is delivered to her.  The quilt already has a story behind it as to what I had to do to get the perfect fabric (once I get something into my head...hard to change it.)  I have also already named it....but that is a secret at this time.

My husband bought me a Kindle for my birthday.  I didn't even know he knew what a Kindle was.  Tabitha kidded him and said she didn't know Walgreens sold Kindles (his favorite store).  I immediately downloaded all of Marcus Engel's books....and was so delighted to be able to see on the Kindle the dedication page for his book "I'm here".  It is dedicated to me and the memory of Mark.

Saturday we had a visit from niece Kim and her son Jordan.  Don and I decided that we would sponsor drum lessons for Jordan and he has a shiny new drum.  His lessons start this week and he is going to start spending more time with Don and me.  Talk about a mature, well mannered young man.  Kim has done well as a single parent raising him.  Someday, with Michael on keyboard and Danny on guitar and Jordan on drums....well we may have a hit record in the making.

This morning we went to Mass and then out to brunch with my mother, Bob, Katie and Kyle, Mike and Deb, John, Tabitha and the boys.  It was so nice.  On the way home, Don wondered out loud if "Mark" came to visit.  He suggested that we go to the cemetery and I said no....just wasn't sure I could keep my emotions in check....and said he wouldn't be there anyway...he would be golfing.  That is what he did his last Mother's Day with us....went golfing.  One of the very last times he did.

I didn't look for anything from Mark when we got home.  I know it has been almost five years, and truthfully, I didn't want to be disappointed.  Don looked out the window and said that nothing was there.  He went in the back yard.....I know to check...and came back in and said nothing.  I went into the bedroom to change, and thought to myself...it is ok....whoever had left things on Mother's Day in the past was very kind.  I doubt that they would remember forever.  Then I heard Don yell out  "Well, I was wrong...there is something here!"

On our porch, between the light piers, was a beautiful metal lantern with dragonflies.  The exact same feeling that I had in previous years....with the large dragonfly that is mounted now on our house in front, the smaller (but still large) metal dragonfly that is hanging in a special place in our bedroom,  the balancing wind dragonfly that we keep in Mark's memory garden.....all left with what I feel were gifts from Mark.  I truly look at those things as special Mother's Day mementos.

Again, do I want to know who is leaving them?  No ,  not really.....it would spoil the magic.  What I do know is that whomever is doing this is doing it for Mark.  They must have loved him to be his courier year after year.  They must know that I have cherised these items and know EXACTLY what time of day they were found, what Don and me said to each other, and that the same big lump in my throat and welling of tears occurs whenever they were found...and whenever I look at them.

As with the past four years, I gave John a Mother's Day card.  I wrote in it this year a little story that I thought of early this morning.  I said, to some extent:  "God was talking with the angel who was  helping him pick out babies for mothers.  He said 'Barb gets two.....but one I am taking early so give her first John, as he is one of my best....and he will sustain her forever."

I know I am blessed on this Mother's Day.  I have two wonderful sons.  One who brings me his boys, his joy, his birthday and Mother's Day cards  himself.  The other son has a very special courier who helps him send gifts from Heaven.

God bless all mothers today and everyday.

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It HAS been awhile since I have posted here.  I have had some long discussions with various family members and they have pointed out to me that there is still a lot to say, still a lot to share, still a lot for me to get down in some written word so that I can make it through another day.

Are we better?  Yes and no.  I still feel as though we are in a suspended animation mode...just making it through each day the best we can.  We are surrounded by Mark.  I still have his khaki golf shorts along with his Memphis sweatshirt, his "Shelly" shirt, and a couple of other pieces of clothing hanging in my closet.  I know he isn't coming back for them...but it gives me great comfort to see them there everyday.

I have been busy working on a project for my nephew, Nathan and his soon to be bride.  I am almost finished with it.  I have been spending a lot of my computer time on this project.  Instead of typing, I am spending long hours just thinking as I work.  I like this quiet activity because it allows me time to think.

It has been five years now since we went through that horror of Mark's illness.  A lot of things have changed over these past five years.  Friends and family have married, babies have been born, work has changed for Don.  Every single change...every single one...I wonder what Mark must be thinking about it all.  And when I am afraid, I know that someone is watching over me.

I can get through most days without crying now.  I finally realized several months ago that I needed to take a more positive look at what happened to our family.  I am trying to concentrate not on the "why me...why us"....but to realize that of all the souls that have every lived, all the souls living now and all the ones to come.....God chose me....simple little me....to be Mark's mom.  I am so blessed.

I don't know what I would do without having John here near us.  I can see Mark in him...and yet he is someone totally different.  John remains our voice of reason.  Nearly everything Don and I do we run past John.  Perhaps we do this because we need his support....but I think it probably is also because we know in our hearts that is the role he always has had.  Mark looked to him for validation.  Mark idolized him.

Last week when there was the frenzy over the Mega Millions Lottery.....I grinned as a wrote down the numbers for Don (he had of course fallen asleep).  I was reminded of a trick John played on Mark several years ago.  Mark just knew he was going to win the lottery....and was very distressed that he was going to be working at Tee Time when the numbers were drawn.  John told him that he would call him with the numbers.  Sure enough, around 9pm, John called Mark while Mark was working the go cart track at Tee Time.  I only wish I could have seen Mark's face as John read off the winning numbers....and Mark checked his ticket.  Every number John read to him was on Mark's ticket.  John didn't get the actual winning numbers...he just read numbers off a piece of paper that he had written Mark's lottery ticket numbers on.  For a few moments....Mark thought he was a winner.

For the past five years there has been a handmade cross at Mark's grave.  It appeared there after a visit from Mark's Uncle Mike.  The original one burned in a firecracker fire.....and it has been replaced once or twice.  Don and I thought it would be nice to have a more permanent, stronger cross.  We found one at a hobby center and took it to a welder to have it put on a stand we could put in the ground.  We had Daniel help paint it.  One Sunday afternoon, John and his boys, Don and me went to the cemetery to put Mark's picture, his new cross and some flowers on Mark's grave.   It is a tradition in our family to put pennies on his grave and we allowed the boys to take the  pennies that were there.  The boys cleaned the stone, and helped put the cross and flowers so that they looked just perfect.  Don then took Michael to show him his grandfather's grave...just twenty feet away.   John, Daniel and me stood there and admired how nice Mark's grave looked.

"What about the money?" Daniel asked.

I reached in my pocket and said I didn't have any with me.  John reached in his pocket and pulled out a quarter.

"Will a quarter do?" he asked Daniel.

"I guess so." was Daniel's reply.

John handed Daniel the quarter so Daniel could put it on Mark's stone.....and Daniel took it from John and promptly put it in his pocket!!!!   I asked Daniel if he thought Granny was going to pay him to "clean" Mark's grave and he nodded yes.  I told him that wasn't one of the jobs I was giving him to make money (he pulls weeds for me).....that anything to do with Uncle Mark's grave was to be from the heart....and he told me he agreed.

As we were driving off....Daniel said to me "I think Uncle Mark has the nicest grave in the cemetery."

I am sure Mark is pleased.....pleased that Daniel is so much like himself....and pleased that he has the nicest grave in the cemetery.

All of John's boys have some combination of Mark's name.  Michael's middle name is David, Daniel's middle name is Mark, and Joey's middle name is David-Mark.  All three are carbon copies of their Daddy....so much like John in looks, personality.....but all three have a sprinkling of Mark.

I know that one of Mark's biggest disappointments was that he knew he would not physically be here with the boys.  He had confided to me that they would "forget" who he was.....and I promised him that this would never  happen.  Even our little Joey knows who Uncle Mark is and will pick him out in pictures.  Joey knows that the grandfather clock Mark made in Coach Heyde's class will someday belong to him.  He can point out to anyone the metal plaque on the inside door of the clock that says "Mark DeWalle." Don and me decided that since Joey didn't get any time with Mark...then he gets Mark's "time".  He knows why Granny wears a dragonfly necklace.   Michael will share with me things that he has a vague memory of concerning Mark.  I think Michael, senses Granny's heartache better than anyone and always seems to know the right thing to say to me at the right time.

Perhaps one of the best signs that these boys have Mark in their heart and soul was an "essay" that was found by Tabitha.  Like a good mom, she was going through Daniel's bookbag and found a school paper...one that she immediately showed to John.  Early one morning, on the way home from work, Tabitha called me and suggested I stop by and read something Daniel had written.  I was so moved by what she showed me.  (go to the link  "Danny's Tribute".  I am not sure what hit me first....that Daniel was writing his middle name on his papers....or that he was writing about Mark.  How sad that a first grader writes that terrible word "cancer" (or in Daniel's spelling, canser).  I was left with thinking that most of Daniel's memory of Mark has to do with Mark's grave and the fact that he had died.  I took the paper home with me, and cried all the way home....because I knew that one of the fears Mark had...that his nephews wouldn't remember him...just really wasn't true.  The next time he came over, I got out the scrapbook that Mandy and Lisa had put together with all the wonderful notes Mark's friends had written.

I am not sure if Mark would be more pleased that Daniel was thinking about him.....or if it would be that Daniel was going to give him a hundred dollars!!!

Another Mark story that recently happened concerned Tabitha.  Several months ago, this busy mama spent a lot of time preparing for, studying for, attending classes and taking the exams required to be a real estate agent.  In one of her first open houses.....not one she had listed but one that she volunteered to do...she had a Mark experience.  The people still live in the house, but of course were not there during the open house.  She had a few people come through, then some down time.  She walked around wating for some more people, when she noticed a picture on the wall....not just any picture....but a picture of Mark.  What are the chances of that?   I told her it was Mark saying "Hi, Sis....you're on the right track and everything will be fine."  We eventually discovered the house was owned by a good friend of Mick and Jeff's...and of Mark's.  I remember Mike Gilb coming to the hospital several times when Mark was so sick...and Mark would just laugh and laugh.  Still, I know that Mark is around even when we don't expect him to be.

This past week, I had one more.  Michael has been taking piano lessons for over a year and is really starting to be very very good.   He often plays our piano when he is here and I love listening to him.  I noted that Tabitha had written on Facebook last week that the boys were playing music before school....Michael playing a new classical piece and Daniel playing guitar (I am sure Johnny Cash).  The boys were here Friday morning and I had just finished a12 hour shift and was going to bed to get ready for another.  I called out to Michael to play his new piano piece.....and shortly I heard a very very good rendition of a familiar melody that made me immediately get out of bed and run down the hall.

Fur Elise.....the only thing Mark could play on the piano.  The first Christmas I made efforts to find music boxes for several people who helped us during those months.....and each of them played Fur Elise.  It has been the ringtone on my phone since Mark died.  And now, Michael plays it for me.

I continue every waking minute of every day to find signs from Mark....and I think about him constantly.  I keep hoping to dream about him but I think I am too tired to dream when I go to bed.  In the mean time, I believe he continues to reach out to me through John and his family.

I suppose that one of the reasons I haven't written here is that this time of year I relive the days of five years ago.  Sometimes it is comforting to remember...but often it is so hard.  So many disappointments realized...but also some funny moments.

Easter is a day of rejuvenation for me.  I don't need any sunrise service....I know that the meaning of Easter is what allows me to look forward to Heaven...and to seeing Mark once again.  I know to cherish the son I have here now with me and the wonderful family he has created.  God has gifted me twice.

Today, on our porch...was an Easter surprise.  In it.....a beautiful stained glass dragonfly wind chime...and a bag of  Dove chocolates.  I immedialy tore open the card and was so pleased that Jenn Miller had remembered us....and also disappointed that we missed her.  Such a perfect gift from such a good person.  Five years and she still remembers.  And...Dove chocolates???  Dove.....a beautiful bird of peace and love....and the PERFECT thing for Don.  He absolutely loved it.  We have discussed a special place to put the chimes and are still debating....but they are going to be a reminder to me throughout the year about the meaning of Easter.  What a wonderful gift.

It has been awhile since I posted here....it felt good.  It was a good day...Easter Day....and I am blessed that we have family and friends to sustain us when we are low.

Now our family holidays can really begin.

Looking back over the past couple of years of writing here, it is easy to see how every year at this time I begin to falter.  It doesn't take much to make me really sad, feel really empty.  This year is no different than others.

Then, something happens every year that lifts not only my spirits, but those of Don and John as well.

Without even attending the Varsity Footbal Banquet, the day after, I can sense that something special has happened.  It is somewhat all about Mark, somewhat all about us....but absolutely all about a Mehlville Panther football player.

Last evening, Brandon Zufall was awarded this year's Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Medal.

My heart is soaring.

I know that the football coaches probably cringed from the years 1992-2001 whenever Mama DeWalle would talk about the "softer side of football."  Even then, I knew there was something special about the football program at Mehlville.  So many special people we met during those years.  So many special moments.

I know that those moments have been shared by countless parents.  I know that feeling of watching your son work hard towards a goal, go into the battle with his friends, and have a special bond that I think only exists in special circumstances.

Typical awards given out at banquets and post season Conference and District honors have always been a big deal in this house.  The award that doesn't necessarily show itself in team statistics is the one I think will stay forever.   I can't see the MVP, the best linebacker, the record setting yards rushed....still being able to be awarded to the same person ten, twenty years later.   Age, weight, not working physically out everyday will soon take their toll. They are awesome awards, something to be proud of...but understanding the spirit of the game, the importance of team bonds, and promises made to oneself and others will be as strong 20 years from now.  Not much can change spirit. 

As in past years, we knew when the award was going to be presented.  Both Don and I were wondering who was going to receive it, and as in past years, were not told until the night of the banquet.  (Oh, and the work involved in that banquet....KUDOS to the parents, the coaches that planned this event last night...so much work, but a highlight of the year for football players and their families.  I always wanted it perfect).

The decision as who will get the award is left to the coaches and teachers of Mehlville.  Don and I have never "put our two cents in" as the award is not about our family, not so much about Mark...but about the player himself.  We just know that the player receiving it suddenly becomes a very special part of our family. 

Mark loved us.  He loved his friends.  He loved golf.  But one thing I know Mark loved more than anything else, was Mehlville Football.  Those years he watched his brother played, standing on the track at endzones all over St. Louis to catch PATs......the time he told Coach Heyde when he was still in 6th grade "You will win State when I am a junior"...getting his varsity satins and becoming a two way player from Sophomore year on, the State years...his allegiance, love and honor of his teammates and of the game.....that was Mark's core.

I also remember that one of Mark's last thoughts were with football.  The story has often been repeated and remains one of the highlights of my life.  He wanted to see Coach Heyde and at nearly midnight June 12th, Coach came over after being called so late in the evening by one of Mark's friends, Scott Pope.  Wearing oxygen, weakened, Mark asked Coach if he had let him down.....let him down by stopping chemo.  Knowing through Coach that he had not let his beloved Coach down, and hence, kept the honor as well for his teammates, Mark was able to let go.  He prayed with his brother, asked me for medication...and when I told him that giving him medication he might stop breathing....Mark said to me...the last thing he ever said..."It's ok, Mom, I am ready to go."   He died six hours later.

The Mark DeWalle Courageous Heart Medal isn't about dying of cancer, it isn't about a young boy who loved Mehlville Football, it wasn't about the player who to this day holds the most consecutive varsity starts in Mehlville history.......it is about that "softer side of football" where honor, love and loyalty to oneself, the game and fellow teammates, the earned respect of coaches and mentors.......those intangible qualities that don't show up in team or even personal stats.

It is so fitting that the Mehlville coaches present this award.  Head Coach Eric Meyer was not only a coach, but a friend of Mark's.  Both he and Kellie were at our home several times during Mark's last weeks.  Their gifts of friendship is something we cherish.  Coach Gegg read the prayer interventions at Mark's funeral.  Coach Ghormley and his family helped out tremendously with fund raisers.  And Coach Futrell.....he was Mark's true brother by another mother....anything else would get too emotional for me and Coach Futrell knows that.

The decision regarding this award then is made by a group of people who not only knew Mark's story, but was a very important part of.  It isn't an award that has lost meaning for the coaches.  Mark loved them and I know that the decision they made was not made without careful thought and consideration.

We are so proud that Brandon Zufall is this year's recipient.  In coming years, some of the things associated with his years in Mehlville football will fade.  For Brandon, and his parents, one thing is certain:  that his dedication to himself, his personal and team goals, his allegiance to his teammates, and the respect he earned from his teammates, teachers, and coaches is something that did not go unnoticed.

After working last night, I slept all day.  I checked my email before getting ready to go to work this evening, and received and email from Brandon's dad.  It warmed my heart, made me happy.  I know that parents want their children to be noticed for their accomplishments, known for their values, remembered for their individuality, respected by their peers and mentors.  I know that Mark's award has provided Brandon and his family with all of this.

As soon as I can get a picture, I will post one of Brandon.

Take it and run with it, Brandon.  We will forever be your cheering section.  Keep that spirit alive in whatever you do.....and you will not only be successful, but also that person who others see have that special quality.

Find that in the stat books.

I really appreciate the postings made by Mary, Chris, Lindsay, Kay and Tracy.  Yes, have been in a little funk over the past couple of months.  Some of it I am sure is just the holidays...some from some trials that I am going through.  Having people take the time to let me know some things are OK,  sad feelings are normal, and that there is no rule book concerning our grief has been helpful.

I signed for another year here.

I know that my family rarely, if ever reads this....but I have learned that people who consider themselves friends of Mark's do...whether they were his friends while he was here or have become friends since he left.  I actually believe that these are the people that give me an outlet...not this website.

I miss Mark every single minute, of every single day.  I think about what he would think of the changes that have happened in his world since he died.  The friends that have married, the babies that have been born.  I spend almost every moment thinking about what he would think about certain things.

Perhaps for some, it isn't a "good" thing to do.  But I find immense pleasure in remembering every little moment of his life.  I love thinking how he may react to certain things.  I know very little of smart phones....but I am sure he would have been all over it.

Over the weekend, John got in our attic to help us clear some things out.  I found another bag of Mark's clothes.  I saved a few items, gave John the camouflage pants that he and Mark bought for paintballing....but donated the rest to Goodwill.

That is considered healthy by some....but for me it was difficult.  I am hoping that someone will find enjoyment in Mark's things.  It is just very hard to let go and continue on.

I know that there are some that feel Don and me are way overdue of putting Mark in a special place and not have him take up so much of our thoughts, our time.  But, when there is not much to do, not much energy to do anything....one resorts back to their memories to pass the time.

As a result, I have made some outwardly changes to ease those that may have issues with how Don and me feel.  I feel bad that perhaps I have made others uncomfortable with my dragonflies, etc. 

I limit myself now to only three Mark comments a day.  I try and keep track and I am sure there are days I say his name more than once.  But, I have made a concerted effort to reduce it.  This doesn't mean that I don't think about him constantly and the experiences we had with Mark.  I also don't count any of the times (and they are fairly frequent) that I make comments to Don.  I also don't count the times (not as frequent) that others make about Mark.....if they bring him up...that's a freebie to me.

Do I like this?  No. No. NO.  But I also don't like that some others may be uneasy over my "constant" Mark talk.  It makes me mad.....but they cannot take away my thoughts and if I want to sit quietly....then I am alone with my Mark thoughts and that is fine with me.

I bought a new Christmas tree Saturday and threw out my Heaven tree.  It was pretty sad looking...but I want to make efforts to de-Mark some things..and this was an easy way for me.  I didn't like the tree that much anyway.  It was a tree I bought very cheaply to get me through the first couple of Christmases.  I am still using the dragonfly ornaments....but it looks more like a Christmas tree now.

At least, I am trying outwardly.  Like I said...inwardly nothing changes.

It makes me feel sad that I feel others think it is time for me to move on.  It is something I just can't do and one of the reasons I don't post here often.  I can't move on.  I don't want to move on.  But maybe if I do little things to make it seem otherwise, people will think I have. 

They won't know the truth unless they read it here. 

For those who do read these things here....thank you for allowing me to continue.  As long as my fingers can type, I will continue to not only think about Mark, but put those thoughts down.

Others may feel it less, may think it less, maybe even forget.

I never will.

Another long boring day. Only thing different is that I will be working today, so the naps actually have a purpose today.

I appreciate the comments made on the guestbook page regarding whether or not to keep this website going.  I really appreciated the phone call from Mandy .... seems she always knows when to call and check on us.

Per the phone call with Mandy....who I was able to explain everything to....and the guestbook messages, I will at least try to keep it going for a while longer.  I need some time to sort my thoughts and Mandy is right....if I stop.....evil wins.


I am finding the coming holidays with me in a continuous low mood.  I have learned that time doesn't make it easier.....even harder because others don't want to be bothered, hear, remember, whatever of why one's holidays aren't the same.

Just wish I had reason to get excited about the holidays.  For the first time in a very long time, I will be awake and off work on Thanksgiving.  I put up my Thanksgiving decorations after Don did some searching in the attic and the garage for them.  I am doing what I can.....just wish the hoidays weren't coming.

At any rate, should have lots of time to post that day!!!!

I last posted on the 19th and had plans, notes for the next blog as there were things I wanted to say. 

All that really needs to be said is that I felt real bad that I had to work on the 19th.  I called my dear friend Lois...and wished her a happy day.  It was Jimmy's birthday and Lois and Jim spend every one of his birthdays making a big turkey dinner celebration.  I have gone a couple of times and usually try and schedule myself accordingly.  This year things just didn't work out workwise and I felt bad for her.  I know what that day means.  It also happens to be the same date that my dad died....and my dad loved little Jimmy Brockmeyer.  It makes it doubly special.


An angel mom never goes two minutes without thinking about the child.....true child or adult child...and the memories made during that persons childhood and football years and golf years....etc. etc.  Not one minute.

I have come to realize nearly everybody has put Mark in a place....to take out and remember on their own good time.  I suppose that it is some form of healing for them.  It will never happen for me.  Mark will never be put anywhere but in the forefront of my thoughts. 

I have come to realize that dragonflies for some are a nuisance of sorts.  I assure you I did not set out to find a symbol or some cutesy thing to collect in the name of Mark.  There is of course, a dragonfly story that started things out...but for me it has evolved into something more.  For one, they are in the shape of a cross..and remind me of Mark telling me he was a believer in Jesus Christ and what ever happened, he was going to Heaven and "win either way."

Secondly, so many people have come to associate dragonflies with me, with Mark...that when they see them, they are compelled to tell me about it.  It is my "hello" from him.  For those who are disturbed by this....all I can say is find something else to bother you. This is not going away.

The dragonflies always have been a source of comfort for me...not ever intended for anyone else.  I will still use them as certain signatures, as in my quilts.  There won't be anymore dragonfly nights, dragonfly birthday, wedding, Christmas cards.

There are very few dragonflies I have (and I have a lot!!) that I have bought myself.  The most beautiful one is the one hanging in my living room window that Don bought me for my birthday. Yes, he too sometimes make a face over my dragonflies.....and I finally told him last spring not to make any comments about dragonflies anymore...they make me happy.  I think he bought that for me because he finally understood the meaning it had for me.

 A very special one was drawn by a 5 year old boy who is very special to me....it has been hanging up in my sewing room for the past four years and will stay there until I can no longer see it. 

Most of the ones I have...have been given to me.  Three in my kitchen were given to me by three of my Angel Moms on three different occasions.  I suppose they wouldn't bring but a few pennies at an auction....but for me they are worth millions. When I am down (and if you haven't figured it out yet, that is where I am)...I look at those dragonflies from Gwen (too countless from her to mention), Christine and of course Lois...and know they are sending me hugs in the middle of the night.  Just as I never tire of their stories, they never tire of mine.  They are even all the more special because Mark knew all of their angels and they all were strong impacts on my life.

Don must have gone to the cemetery while I was asleep one day last week. I found in the back of my car the marker and cross from Mark's grave.  A couple of times a year we have to remove everything per cemetery rules.  Doesn't matter...for me he really isn't there.  He is always here or whever Don and me happen to be.  He has never left.

There was more, much more written here at this time.  I have deleted it.  I need to think long and hard whether or not to continue this website.  If I have to go back and edit my thoughts, perhaps I shouldn't be putting them here any longer. 

Will think about that for awhile and make a decision soon.

Yes, I meant to write comet..not comment.

On October 6, 1982 Mark was born.  I watched the rain..lots of rain...from my hospital bed at Deaconess and saw Highway 40 bumper to bumper for hours.  People going to Busch Stadium...then people coming back from Busch Stadium after the game was called.

I went home on Saturday. That evening, after the family and friends had left, I took a much needed nap.  Mark sat in his pumpkin seat on the kitchen table and watched the playoff game with his Dad.

Mark's first World Series events came the week he was born.  Ken and Mae Schnurbusch went to one of the games and got Mark a program.  I still have it packed away.

There were a couple of Cardinal World Series.  I remember dropping a 3 year old boy off at his Aunt Katie's so that Don, John and me could enjoy a WS game at Busch...compliments of Grandma Joyce sleeping on the sidewalk.  Mark didn't get to go but he watched the game with his Aunt Katie.

Whenever there were playoffs.....Mark would try everything he could do to get to the game.

In the spring of 2005, he came home from Memphis during the week specifically to go to a Cardinal's game.  Michael and Danny were at the house, and Mark spent the morning playing with Michael...then announced that he had to go to the baseball game.  "Watch for me on TV!!" he told Michael.  He dressed in his Cardinal jersey...and off he went.

I put on the TV to hear the game and went into our TV room...finding Michael inches from the television.  When I asked what he was doing he said "I am watching Uncle Mark play baseball."  He thought Mark was one of the Cardinals and Mark never let him believe otherwise.

Mark's last WS season....2006.  He was living back at home and loving every single minute of being in St. Louis.  He went to the last game....didn't have tickets....but was outside Busch Stadium.  After attending a Marcus Engel book opening.....his Aunt Debe met up with Mark and his friends.  I think Debe drove a couple of excited drunks home that night.  Some of my most favorite pictures of Mark were taken that night. 

I commented to him the next day that it must have really been "fun" having his aunt with him.  "She is a LOT of fun, Mom.  We had a really good time."

When I called Debe on December 27, 2006 to tell her Mark's cancer was back and that I needed her and Katie's help in breaking the news to my mom, the first thing she said was "I am so glad I had that night with him."  I know Mark felt the same way.

So, when the Cardinals won the other night over the Brewers (the same team that they played against in the WS in 1982)....I felt somewhat down.  My first world series without Mark.....and how he loved his Cardinals.

I like to the Cardinals in the World Series like Hailey's comet......a win in 1982 the month he was born....then no win until 2006....Mark's last full Cardinal season.

Something tells me he is back in town.

I only say on Mark's birthday how old he would have been.  Today that would be 29....but in my heart, in my mind, he is always 24.

This morning Don and I went to 6am Mass.  Wasn't sure if we would make it but Don set the alarm and woke me up.  It was dark when we went into the church, and dark when we came out.  A quick, typical 6am Mass...short, sweet, and to the point.  For the first time attending a "Mark Mass"....I didn't cry.

Don and I went out to breakfast, then came home and answered some emails.  I took a nice nap, and Don watched TV.  We spent a little time outside, then got ready to go to Mehlville to watch the freshmen play...but not before we made a couple of stops.

First, we picked up some balloons we had ordered for the boys to let go to Mark, then we went to the cemetery.  Don and me tied a birthday balloon to the wooden cross on his grave and again, I thought about the day he was born.  One of the best days in our lives....only one other day matches it and that is the day John was born.

We went over to John's house and waited for Daniel and Michael to get home from school.  Everyone piled in my car and we went to the game.  It was the first football game Joey had ever been to and he quickly learned the finer points of the concession stand.

It also didn't take long for Joey to spot his Daddy.  The boys kept waving until they finally got John's attention and he waved back.  The next best thing for me to watching John play football  (through that memory video I have in my head) is watching John coach football.  I love watching him on the sidelines interact with his players.  I kept thinking back on his football days...some of the most wonderful times we had.  I also thought of his brother....and how I wished his brother was here enjoying watching him, being proud of him.

Less than 5 minutes after thinking this I heard someone call me.....and saw a handsome young gentleman coming towards Don and me.  He had on a state semifinal pullover jacket that all of MY Panthers got a their Varsity banquets.  I honestly would never have recognized him...and then I saw his name on his jacket...Deonte......and immediately my heart melted.  One of John's teammates....one of his brothers.  One of MY boys.

I was so glad to see him.  Deonte always was one of my favorites and I proudly introduced him to John's boys.  Deonte told me he has four....FOUR!!! kids...two girls, two boys.  I told him that this was a special day....and he already knew it.  We laughed about the pregame meal that it was so cold outside, that after they had finished eating, all got into the drawer downstairs with Don's long underwear.  Deonte scored a couple of touchdowns that night...wearing Don's long underwear.  I reminded him that I could still see him running in those white football shoes of his.  I was pleased he was a strong family man, had a good job, and seemed very happy, content, successful.  Makes a mother...albeit team mother....proud.

The first time I met Deonte was on that day years ago when John brought a few....four I think, players home for lunch.  Deonte sat at my kitchen table after eating hamburgers that Mark had fixed.  Markie was cooking as fast as he can and it was that day, that instant, that I know Mark saw the companionship, the special teammate bond that John had with his teammates.  I know that is probably the start of Mark's football career....starting as a cook for a very special group of boys that I will think about, love, until the day I die.

But back to Deonte at my kitchen table.  He quietly, very politely, asked if me "Can we come back again?"  It was with Deonte that we set up the next lunch date.  When that day came....the entire team came over.....and the rest is pretty much history regarding the DeWalles and Panther football.

I thought about all of this while looking at that handsome man sitting with Don and me.  Just minutes before I had been thinking about brothers and how cheated I felt John had been losing Mark.   It had been years since I had seen Deonte.....and here he shows up minutes after I had been having these thoughts......the Panther that really started the DeWalle Panther pregame meals.

I also realized that although John has lost his brother, Mark.....he still has brothers that are there for him.  Deonte had not been back to Mehlville in years...yet it was at this moment, on this day...that he was there.

I watched as half-time was starting, Deonte run down on the sidelines and he and John hug one another.

I like to think it was Mark making this happen. 

I found it also a little magical the final score of the game was 24-0.  I am an angel mom and I have carte blanche in looking for signs.  For me, this was Mark telling us hi....and that he was at the game.  24 years old....forever.   24-0.  24 and holding.

Once again, a little bit of magic happens for me at the Mehlville footbal field.

I haven't posted here in a long while...last time right at Dragonfly Night.  There are just a couple of reasons why I haven't.

First, I just can't get used to this laptop keyboard.  Seems everytime I type, it skips or deletes because I touch that stupid laptop finger control mouse.  I have tried to dismantle it, just doesn't work.  The past day or two...either I am getting better, or the kinks have finally worked themselves out.

Second, I have spent the better part of the past year making a quilt for Mick and Kyla as a wedding gift.  I worked on it every single day and it was all done by hand.  If you want to see the finished work..go here:  Mick and Kyla's quilt  . I took one of Mark's shirts and made strips of it which I sewed inside the batting in parts of it.  I also quilted nearly 100 dragonflies in the border of the quilt.

Mark and Mick were closer than cousins....maybe the made up word "brosouins" is better.  One was light, one was dark; one was ying, the other yang.  They were three weeks apart, and almost everything that Mark did, somehow or other Mick was there. 

Mick's wedding was one of those top ten events which I knew was going to be stressful for me.  Last year, when they announced their wedding date, I couldn't think or talk about it without crying.  I was very very worried how the day would go.  I decided in October that I needed to do something.  I always realized this was Mick and Kyla's day, not Mark's......but I knew it was one wedding for sure (as well as his other cousins) that Mark would be so excited about.
So, I spent the past year sewing every night.  I would use the time to think about Mark and Mick and pray for them both.  When I turned the quilt over to Mick and Kyla....I felt like a big part of Mark had been given to them.

The wedding was beautiful....Kyla was stunning, Mick so handsome.  Danny was their ringbearer and Michael handed out programs.  I watched Tabby and John dance at the wedding and was so proud to see them together dancing.

Don and me only danced one dance.  We had more fun watching everyone else.  I think the desire to dance was taken away from us when Mark died...neither one of us really feel like dancing anymore.

Jeff gave a fabulous Best Man speech and mentioned Mark.  I was very surprised...and it made Don and me feel really good to hear people clap and cheer at Mark's names...our family, the Amelung family, and all of Mick's friends...a good many of them friends of Mark's as well.  I got a chance to hug those guys that came to Mark's side....Tribl, Schou, Hassler, Gilb.

In many of the flowers were tiny dragonflies.  How kind that was of Mick and Kyla to do that.....I know it was for Mark and for Don, John and me......and the thoughtfulness did not go unnoticed.

For the past two years, on this night, we sailed into Aruba.  Not so this year....finances just wouldn't allow it.  So, for the first time in two years we are spending Mark's birthday tomorrow at home.  Three years ago it was very very hard.  I am hoping that even though it is bittersweet, that we are in a better place.  There will be tears, I am sure.  I have learned that it is best not for me to work at certain points in the year....Dragonfly week, and mostly this week.

We spent the day getting our flu shots, picking up Don's medicine....then going to the Zoo with Joey.  We saw monkeys, baby goats, tigers, lion, bears, ducks and rode the choo-choo.  Just as good as sailing into Aruba.

I plan on resuming my blogs here.  I better...they doubled the monthly rates for it but I just can't let this website go.  It gives me peace, helps me get my thoughts in order....just like it did in 2007 and just how Mick's quilt helped me this past year.

One important thing I have realized over the past couple of months.  Taking into consideration all of the souls that have existed, do exist, will exist....God chose me to be Mark's mom out of all of those people.  For that, I won the lottery, and I am blessed.  That in itself, gives me some peace.

I noticed that we are about 32 "hits" to this site to reach 100,000.  It would be just so cool to hit that number for his birthday.

To all Mark's friends, to all of those he touched, he loved and to all of those that drop by here from time to time, please know it is not this website, not a quilt, not anything but your support that has helped our family.  We know he loved his friends, his cousins, his family and hearing from them from time to time helps us so much.  We feel your hugs.

For tomorrow.....we may go to 6am Mass at St. Francis.  I thought sure I had requested the 8am Mass but at least this time it is listed (unlike Dragonfly Night).  We plan on going to Mehlville High School to watch the freshman football team (coached by brother John!!), then after the game Don and me are going to go to Blarney Stone.  It looks different....but it is still the Blarney Stone and we can't think of a better place to go on Mark's birthday.

We are getting close.....both to 100,000 and to getting through Mark's birthday without too many tears.  Tomorrow will tell us if both will happen.

Dragonfly Night is cancelled.  Don and I will be home and John and his family will be here.....so we will be here if anyone happens to come by.  Just couldn't tell how many, if any were coming, so we will be doing it a little low-key...but always open for visitors!!!

Oh,yes...having periods of tearfulness this week.  Those kind of tears that are underlying very sad....but more bittersweet.

Dragonfly Night....wasn't sure what to do then I stopped by John's and Michael is making decorations for Dragonfly Night.  He even knows what it is all about.

So, Sunday evening from 5pm on.....we will be home with a taco bar and making Margaritas with Tabby's new machine.....and remembering.  

It will help those bittersweet feelings if those that remember the magic of four years ago would like to stop by and join us.

Can’t  sleep.  It could be because Don let me take an extended nap on Sunday afternoon because this allergy/cold I have had seemed to come back for the day.  Then, again, it could be because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what went on in this house four years ago this week.

It is too hard for me right now to scroll back on this website and look at the archives of June 2007.  Both Don and I have mentioned every couple of days….”this is the day Tony Bernil flew in from Memphis and sat at Mark’s bedside all night….” Or that “this is the day that John and Tabby stayed all night.”  Just too hard.

I keep trying to concentrate on the comment Mark made that one Memorial Day evening.  “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who died from cancer.  I know that we as well as his friends remember Mark for his love of sports, his love for his friends, and the special bond he had with his brother.

Michael and Daniel seem to love to constantly be at each other’s throats.  One finds the other annoying, and that brother returns it back as quick as he can.  One night last week, they all came over for dinner.  Daniel had asked a couple of weeks before if he could spend the night here all by himself…..and Don and me immediately thought it was a good idea.   It would give us time to concentrate on just one…and give the other some alone time (after Joey went to sleep) with their parents.  As usual, the two of them kept the brotherly barbs flying even through dinner.  I told them to stop it many times.  Finally, it seemed to cease.  There was almost a peacefulness.  Then, it came time for everyone to leave but Daniel.  I told Michael to hug his brother goodbye….and reluctantly he did.  Daniel immediately commented “ When Michael hugged me, I farted.”  So much for Granny’s words regarding brotherly love.

I asked John if he remembered Mark and he irritating one another when they were little.  He did.  I know when John started going out with friends, Mark was totally out of sorts.  He didn’t get to do “cwap.”  I know they had physical fights…nothing extreme…but what I remember most was the comments they threw back at one another.  Just like Michael and Daniel……almost identical personalities to John and Mark….John found Mark increasingly annoying.

Yet, even in those days, they had a that existed with no one else.  They supported one another, and I know for a fact that Mark simply idolized John.  He liked to act he was annoyed with John, but in reality he was in awe of him.

I remember vividly Mark’s first round of chemo in 2004.  He acted like he wanted no one around, and after spending the day with him at the hospital, I finally figured out he wanted to be left alone.  I wasn’t home five minutes when he called me back and said that he wanted his books for a class he was taking online.  I jumped back in the car with a suitcase for me, and books for him.  He never even looked at the books.

He wasn’t talkative..he just wanted someone there.  Then, around midnight, I saw he was crying.  “I don’t want to do this , Mom.”  And truly, that was the ONLY time I ever heard words of discouragement from him.  We talked a bit and finally I asked him what I could do.

Tearfully, he said “Call John.  I need him here.”

John was there within record time.  I met him outside of the hospital and tried to explain Mark’s frame of mind.  I had asked Mark if he wanted me to call his dad….no, just John.

For most of the rest of the night, I stayed out of the room.  I never knew what they talked about and I don’t  think I ever asked.  I just knew that when the chips were down, John was the one that he wanted.

It has been a week of remembering and also of understanding that things do move forward, whether  I want them to or not.

Weddings seem to be the thing right now.  In the past two weeks, I have worked on planning a shower for  Cousin Mick’s fiancée, Kyla; received two save-the-dates for  two of Mark’s friends (our sweet Little Michelle and also Mark’s good friend, Eric Williams), tried to rework, without success, travel arrangements for Lisa’s wedding, and well wished another cousin, Nathan on his engagement. 

That is six weddings, all that Mark would have been so excited over, that will occur over the next year or

I was so looking forward to Lisa’ wedding.  Because I am the worst travel companion on the highways, Don and me decided that we would take the train to Chicago for Lisa’s wedding.  I have reserved the hotel and have the train tickets since March.  Last week I got an email that the train to Chicago is just fine….but coming home we have to take the bus from Champaign, Illinois.  That would never work….we were coming home Father’s Day, which happens to be Don’s birthday this year.  Not a good way to spend the day…on a bus.

I checked out airline tickets for one way…..but just too costly since it is so soon.  Driving, both Don and me agreed, is out of the question.  We don’t know the city of Chicago that well and with me jumping every three miles and worried about traffic…we would be arguing by the time we got there if drove.  I called Lisa to make sure she could take us out of the count and was relieved when I learned she had not turned in the final count.  I hate that I won’t see her get married, but I know in reality if Mark were here, we would probably not have been invited.  I guess Mark is going to try and make a showing in some manner…I know he wouldn’t miss seeing Lisa get married.  I hope she and Jarryd  will feel the love and thoughts and prayers coming their way.

I am sitting here very early just like I did four years ago.  I am thinking about Mark, his brother, his nephews, his friends.

Only difference is that I can’t go into his room and sit and watch him, and give him a hug.

I hate this time of year.

Two, count them, two posts in one day.

It was a wonderful Mother's Day.  Don and I spent the morning trying to decide what to do about our gazebo.  We got it for a song shortly after Mark left us.  We had to have a tree taken down and it left nothing but sun on our patio and the back of our house.  We have babied the canvas cover for the past four years.  About a month ago, during one of the storms, the top blew off while we were gone.  We came back and tried to reshape the bent brackets, but no luck.  We decided that we will probably take it down and put a cover over part of our patio.

We then went to the cemetery.  I have been keeping a spray bottle and towels in my car so that whenever I stop by Mark's grave, I can "wash his face" so to speak.  I bought some pretty new flowers to put on his grave, talked to him a bit,, then we placed flowers on the graves of Don's grandmother and great grandmother.  For some strange reason, it has always given me peace that Mark was buried near grandparents, even though he nor I had ever met them.  I know these ladies will keep him in line.

Before we went to the cemetery, Don gave me a beautiful art glass dragonfly that I had seen in a specialty shop.  I saw it hanging from the ceiling of this shop when I was looking for something special for Lisa.  Even though this store isn't close to our home, I must admit that I have "visited" this shop on more than one occasion just to see it again.  It cost way way too much money for me to buy.  I was so surprised when Donnie gave it to me...I think sometimes he rolls his eyes at dragonflies.  I mentioned to him yesterday that I didn't want him ever to say anything bad about my dragonflies, because they make me happy.  This one is so special.

It is all clear glass...I say it is crystal but I know that it really isn't.  I think sometimes when I look at it, it looks like an angel.  Other times, it looks like a cross, which is why I wear a dragonfly pendant instead of a cross.  For me, the dragonfly IS a cross...the message behind the cross that I will see my Mark again.  It is a more of a religious symbol for me than anything.  Yet, I do like to say that I am sure Mark is thrilled I turned him into a bug.

Afterwards, we went over to John's as he and Tabitha had fixed us a wonderful lunch.  We enjoyed spending time with them and watching the boys play.  They gave me a beautiful card (with a verse written by, no kidding, "D. Walley") and beautiful gifts.  I appreciate that Tabitha gives up part of her Mother's Day to make sure that I have special time with her, John and the boys.  They are the sparkle in my life.

When we returned home, there in our front yard, was a dragonfly wind vane.  Neither Don nor I know who does this every year....but we both know that it is Mark that is behind it.  Did I secretly hope there would be something again this year?  I would be lying if I said I didn't.  I have long since stopped guessing who is doing Mark's legwork, and I don't ever ever want to really know.  I just hope this person knows that for the past three years, my mother's day has been made extra special because I do feel that Mark has made his presence known.  I think this year, it impacted Don even more.  He talked about this wonderful gift for the longest time, and even though I had already thought of it, insisted that it be kept in our backyard Mark garden so that it would be safe.

We sat and watched the dragonflies gently sway with the wind.  Subtle, soft and magical, and very very special.

I have posted a picture of my dragonfly wind vane...given to me by Mark through some special person who has touched my heart.

Yesterday Don and I spent our afternoon and most of our energies cutting down two overgrown bushes in our back yard.  We were spent after we finished and left the rest of the day to just recover.  I got  some of our yard work done, but so much more to go.

Last evening, I spent some more time working on “dead people” as Don calls my genealogy fun.  While I was doing this, I was also watching a television show of “Extraordinary Mothers” .  These were famous mothers who have done incredible things.  They left out a few as far as I am concerned.

I thought of Emilie deGroene DeWalle, who came to St. Louis in the 1880’s from Belgium.  She married Peter DeWalle and they had four children.  On Christmas Eve, her husband was killed in an industrial accident.  She was left with four little children, no money, spoke no English.  Two of her children did not live to adulthood.  She had another child with her second husband, but this man was very cruel to her and her eldest son ran him out of town….with no records ever found as to what happened to him.  She never saw her homeland again, but didn’t need to, because her children were here.

I thought of Annie Colas who came from France and lived in Pennsylvania.  She had several boys, and a husband that didn’t seem to stay put.  One day, this husband went to France and brought back a son of his that had been left there….Annie was now the mother of a young French boy who spoke no English.  She just took him on as one of her own.

I thought of Mary Randall Brown Burnett Kessinger, who as a young orphaned girl, was “put over the fence and told to fend for herself” by the people who raised her for a few years.  She met a man who would make life better for her, only to lose him in the Civil War.  She would marry two more times, both times losing her husbands.   I haven’t found any sons…she left only two daughters, and only one of those daughters had children.

I think of the beautiful and scholarly Sarah Walburn Colas.  Sarah was one of the only educated women in my early family.  She attended schools in Washington DC and Chicago.  She was a social worker who helped the poor.  She married a minister and assumed the task associated with that role.  She had three children and died when her baby (my mother) was only two years old.

I think of Stella May Comer Henderson, who wasn’t formally educated, having only attended school to the fourth or fifth grade.  She was an incredible woman…years ahead of her fellow women.  She believed in equality of the sexes, equality of the races.  She loved Jesus and every single day of her life she strived to be a good Christian. 

I think of my mom, who has always been there for not only her family, but anyone whose path she may cross.  It is impossible for me to even describe the things that she has done, the impact she has made on all of us.  She is the first one I call when something wonderful has happened, and the first I call when there is a problem.

I also think of my fellow Angel Moms and the pains we feel on this day.  No Mother’s Day calls, no cards, no drop by visits coming from our special children.  We weren’t supplied with the tools that are needed when one loses a child….we are just trying to make it through each day the best way we can.

When I work on genealogy, I am not fascinated by names, birth dates, death dates or census records.  I am more interested in learning their stories, how they achieved what they did in the world in which they lived.   I think all of them are my “Extraordinary Mothers”.

What a busy day!  I got up at a reasonably early hour for me, got the shopping done and started on the projects of the day.

Don didn't feel really well today.  He hasn't for several days and I am starting to get a little concerned.  Then, a little while ago I checked my email and noted that there was a message posted on the guestbook....asking how Don is doing since his heart attack.

He is still going to rehab and doing everything he is supposed to do.  About a month ago he had another cardiac cath and another stent placed.  It is hard to tell if it is his rheumatoid arthritis or the heart attack that is slowing him down.  He really lacks the energy to do much.  I think that is one reason our gardens are lagging behind..not just the weather, but also a lack of energy on our part.

It is easy to fall into the same pattern of someone who isn't feeling well.  Many of the things that we like to do outside...we just haven't been doing.  Several weeks ago our neighbor just came over, took Don's lawn mower, and mowed our lawn.  I was so thankful for Ron for doing that for us.  He knew that Don couldn't do it.  We now have that all arranged with another neighbor who is taking that on for us.

It is rotten to get old.

I was glad that the lawn mowing problem is resolved.  Don asked the people at rehab if he could take walks, etc., on his own and they told him he could...just to be sure to let someone know that where he was going.  I think it really deflated him.

He has a couple of more weeks of rehab to go.  He thought he only had this week, but it was extended.

He has followed every instruction perfectly...including quitting smoking.  It's been a tough road for him, but he is doing OK.  I will just be glad when he is more back to normal.

So, I have been finding myself doing a lot of inside things such as quilting, "looking up dead people" and watching way too much tv.

Today it was nicer out,, and he came out and helped me a little bit as I got the front gardens ready for flowers.  He still hasn't started his vegetable garden but I am hoping that this weekend we can get that going as well.

Whomever it was that asked...thank you for your concern.  As has been for us in the past, we depend upon the prayers and concerns of our friends to keep us going.

Mark would have been all over the death of Osama.

The morning of 9-11, I was at Schnucks early.  Someone mentioned that an airplane had flown in to the World Trade Center.  I thought that it was a small private plane that lost direction.  As I drove home, I listened and realized that it was much more.  I got home in time to turn on the television and see the second plane hit.

Mark had an 11am class.  As usual, it was going to be an event in itself in waking him up.  I went down to his room and told him to wake up, turn on the TV.  We watched together for about 3 minutes and I reminded him he needed to get up.

"There won't be any classes today....we are at war."  And there he stayed, glued to the TV.  He did eventually get up and leave....only to return shortly later as he was right.....classes were cancelled.

It was a couple of weeks later that he decided he was going to join the Marines after he finished school.  He wanted to be an air marshal and shoot bad people.  That is the goal he had for the next two years, until the cancer came.

It was one of the few times I saw him cry...especially in the first round in 2004.  He had talked to some recruiter that cancer may not necessarily keep him out of the Marines....but chemo would for sure.

Mark never again mentioned his plan.  By 2004 he became more involved in the golf industry.  He thought that he had a better career options, but I knew he imagined himself as some macho hero gunning down terrorists.

I thought of him Sunday night as I listened to the events that unfolded in Pakistan.

He would have been all over it, and probably was.

Driving home this morning I thought about Easter.  I thought about what the true meaning of Easter is and how important that is to me now that we have Mark in Heaven.  I thought about past Easters when I was a child.  Somehow, Mom and Daddy always seemed to find the means to make Easter special for us.  I always had a pretty dress, and sometimes white gloves.  Mom would set each of us girls' hair the night before.  Some of the best pictures of us were taken on Easter mornings.  I always had a nice Easter basket...usually hidden behind the couch.  Every child should have the kind of childhood my brother, sisters, and myself had.

I always tried to do the same for our boys.  I bought special baskets for the boys that I planned to decorate with flowers for when they got married...something Inever ended up doing.  I remember one particular Easter morning.  I was awake just taking a few extra minutes lying in bed when I heard a five year old Mark scamper down the hall.  I heard him go into the living room and exclaim, "Oh, he DID come!"  I wasn't what Mark thought of the Easter bunny thing since he had an older brother.  I still smile to myself and it makes me feel good inside whenever I think about that one particular morning.

A couple of years later, John was living with his friend (as with many of John's friends...Mark's friend as well) Sean Hennrich.  I was in the kitchen early in the evening the night before Easter.  Mark came in all dressed to go "Out" (I never learned exactly where "Out" was) with his truck keys in his hand.  He asked me if I had found his Easter basket.  I told him that he was too old.  I immediately got a lecture on the finer points of how unfair it was that he had to suffer because John didn't live there anymore.

After he left...do I even need to say....I went to the store and bought Easter basket fixings.  I found his Easter basket and filled it to the brim.  In some of the plastic eggs I put dollar bills...others had jelly beans.  When he came home much much later that night....I was in bed.  I could hear him going through the things in the basket.  When I walked out to the kitchen he was quickly picking up plastic eggs and shaking them...looking for the ones that had dollar bills.

"Well, the Easter bunny did come for you afterall!" I said.  He responded with "Yes, but he did it wrong...he didn't hide my basket."

My mother shared with me last week another story.  I am sure she had told it to me before but it seemed like a new story to me.  She told me that when Mark was little, she kept him at her house over the weekend.  She would do that from time to time...take either John or Mark for the weekend.  It was a couple of weeks before Easter and she had a large candy bowl full of jelly beans in the living room.  On Sunday evening, after she had returned Mark to us, she happened to notice the candy dish.

All that was left were black jelly beans.  No other color there.

It could possibly be that he wanted to leave some jelly beans for someone else...ones he didn't like.  But, I think it is more probable that he was too lazy to throw those away.  Better to pick out the ones he likes the most.

After the posting I put yesterday....there are black jelly bean memories I have of Mark....but I like to concentrate more on the colorful ones.

Yet, a bowl of black jelly beans left by a little Mark DeWalle is pretty funny...and pretty typical Mark.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

I haven't left.....so surprised people actually check here.  I lost my phone, my computer is being serviced...but have lots to say and hopefully this weekend will be posting.

Thinking of Mark especially this week as Good Friday is tomorrow and because of Good Friday, I will see Mark again.

Not only has it been quiet on this website, but it is very quiet in this house tonight.

Don had a heart attack today. 

I sit here late at night not liking how quiet it is.  I hear sounds and jump.  My cell phone whirrrs or rings and I jump.  It has been a bad day.....but a good day.  All mixed up.

I called John just as the paramedics were leaving with Don.  John got to the hospital before I did.  Tabitha arrived shortly thereafter.  Things were too calm, too controlled.

They talk about denial with heart attacks.  I know this happens with the person actually having the heart attack, but I didn't realize it happens with their spouse.

I sincerely thought they would come out and tell us that he had a mild heart attack and he would be going home.  Not a chance.

Don woke me up from my pre-work nap telling me he had chest pain.  He had already taken an aspirin and I told him that I would call 911.  He really didn't look THAT bad....but I knew it was the thing to do.  Both of us are probably ticking time bombs as it is.

When the paramedics arrived, I asked them if he was going to go to the hospital.  Yes, absolutely.  I asked if he could go to MoBapt....no, they...or should I say Don....couldn't wait that long.

Don told me that he wasn't in the ED that long and they whisked him to the cardiac cath lab telling him that it was "very very bad."

He is resting OK tonight and I am pretty much exhausted. 

There are a couple of things that hit me today, that I never really realized.  One of those is that with Mark gone, John is left alone with Tabby to manage whatever problem Don and I face.  It was John who methodically contacted his aunts and uncles.  He had no sibling to share this responsibility.

Darn you, Mark....that isn't fair.  You have done this before, leaving John with all the work.  Don't think I don't remember my 50th birthday.  I was slightly amused at how you always seemed to get out of doing what should have been your fair share.  Today I didn't think it was funny.  I kept thinking how I wish you were here helping us in this very stressful situation.

But then, maybe from afar, or even very close at hand, you are looking out for your dad.

The other thing I realized about an hour ago, I do not like the quiet of the house.  I do not like that the television isn't on with Don sleeping in front of it.  Just too quiet for me.

This website has also been quiet.  I have been working on a special project that involves me "annoying people" and have used that time to do my thinking, soul searching.  I feel bad that I haven't posted here in awhile....but it primarily is because I have been able to unleash all these thoughts while working on my special project.

I continue to entertain myself with Mark and John topics while I work on it.  I am able to sort through things in my mind, trying to put everything in its proper place.

Nothing fits tonight.  I knew that we didn't live an exactly healthy lifestyle and that both Don and me are ticking time bombs.  Yet, sometimes I think enough is enough.  I don't need any new chapters.

I haven't dealt with the last one yet.

Mark....I know you have pull with someone up there.  Take  some of the load off of John and me and do your fair share. 

In the mean time, say some prayers for us.